Catch Up

Well...

I guess it's been a long long time since I've done a personal post. So, I'd like to do that now, instead of just my abstract, philosophical ones.

It's winter here in Paraparaumu again and, tonight, I lit the fireplace for the first time this season. As I type this, there is a detectable difference in temperature between our kitchen and our lounge as one walks from one room to the other. I arrived here in the dead of winter, in a rainstorm. Today, there was another such storm and, seeing it, I was given pause to reflect on my first year at L'Arche Kapiti.

I've worked and lived here under two different house leaders and I've come to know nine core members, as well as over a dozen fellow assistants. I've seen the passing of a torch from one community leader to another and I've also watched as we gained four new community council members. In my year here so far, we lost a house, we kept our Community Participation Service, we bid farewell to one core member, and welcomed another one. I've gained few new friends and said goodbye to a good number as well.

The most pressing question at this point would seem to be, "How am I doing?" ... I'm doing okay. I've learned alot about myself in this year and a great deal about God. L'Arche definitely isn't what I thought it would be. I figured, when I began here, that I'd put in my time, get an experience, and then continue on the road of my career, one step closer to developing my "theology of vulnerability." I still might do that, but I could have figured then that the experience of being as vulnerable as possible might lead me to change some things. Of course, it did.

While I may have graduated from Hastings with a perfect GPA and a little gold honor stamped on to my BA, I knew that none of that would matter here. I was right, but the feeling of knowing that definitely hurts more than I expected. My primary discovery this year was, of course, my sense of disability. During this year, I have experienced times when my motivation has been robbed from me. A sort of depressive state where my lists of things to do will pile up and continue piling up. I know what I ought to do, but cannot find the motivation to do so. These are times I have experienced before being in L'Arche. This feeling is recurrent. The difference this time around is that I have come to understand it. I know it and can live with it. I can safely depend on other people to help me. I do not have to pretend that these times of depression, confusion, indecision, or hopelessness do not occur. They do. By living as I am within this community, I now understand that I cannot run or hide from my weaknesses. I can, however, welcome them. I can also be welcomed with them, into the Body of Christ.

Around Easter this year, we had our annual community foot-washing ceremony. Leighanne was the one who was responsible for washing my feet. It was strange to me. Intellectually, I understood the process of course. I knew all the symbolism of what was taking place and it fit very comfortably within my worldview. Practically, however, I still carried alot of tension in that moment. Being cared for by a core member is the exact opposite of what my body is used to practicing. That was a powerful and provocative moment for me.

This process of discovery has taken longer than usual for an assistant in L'Arche. Based on my own observations and those that I have collected from others, I'd venture a guess that the usual time of traction for a new assistant from the time that they arrive to the time when they understand and can "live community" is about two to three months. For me, I was 7 months into this thing before I even started to get it. There was even a time that I was actually put on a kind of assistant's probation. My inability to live community threw into question whether or not I would be welcomed back for a second year, even though I have wished to do so for a while now. I have never failed so much at any other endeavor in my entire life.

Once I knew that my disability was somehow damaging the community, however, it didn't take long for me to muster a response. I was deeply provoked, just as I knew that, somehow, I would be. Things are better now, but I've got a longer road ahead. I have been welcomed back for another year at L'Arche Kapiti. It's ironic that we would often think first, of the long road that our core member have, dealing with their disabilities, yet we'd seldom look at our own. This realization also sheds light on another that I've gained: It's never the folks with intellectual disabilities that you can't live with. For them, we make it work; we find a way. More typical people, by contrast, we'll always have conflict with. It's my fellow assistants who are, consistently, the most difficult people in my life. I've always appreciated razor-sharp irony and, here, I chuckle and stand agape at its bleeding edge.

After studying Religion and Ethics; the Transcendent and the Other, I came here to put myself within closer proximity to both. In realizing my difficulties with "normal" people, I have also come to understand that "Other" isn't reserved to a particular class of people. We find Others, strangers, enemies (ghosts) everywhere we go. Your Others are your co-workers, your family members, your friends, your neighbors.

In that, I have also realized Gift. As I've stated in other posts, it's never people's ability levels that matter, only their gifts. And, just as you can find Others close-at-hand, you can also find gifts. Gift is everywhere. It's been written that "faith is the conviction of things not yet seen." I've come to realized that even the faith to look for Gift is, itself, a gift. How do we know that looking for another's gifts will be a genuinely good exercise? You take that process of searching on faith, then your faith itself becomes a gift, right? Well, it would seem that way to me.

Assuming that everything goes smoothly with my visa acquisition, I've got another year ahead now and I'm looking forward to it and all of the challenges that it will bring me. In one month's time, I'll be heading back to the US for a visit while I take a month's leave. I plan on using this time to collect myself further and prepare for the future that lies ahead. There are pieces of me all along this journey. I leave a little something at each place and with each person. Accordingly, I take something from each person and each stage. I love all of you.