This is probably a good move for both Peter and Julie, especially Peter. It's no secret that Peter has been feeling lonely and angry living with no other core members in a big house with three assistants. His frustration has been bubbling over into outbursts more and more. Every Monday, Peter comes to lunch at our house because it's only a short walk to here from his morning CPS session and he goes right back for Kapa Haka in the afternoon. Last Monday, Peter arrived at our house later than usual, which worried me. He had gone off on his own and, when he finally did arrive (mad as hell and screaming at Noeline), he had somehow injured his right hand, which was covered in blood (it had something to do with a "stick" or a "tree"). I cleaned him up, but I was pretty shaken by the experience. After learning about the move on Wednesday, I think that he fells much better and probably alot more secure. Wednesday night was our Open Night of Prayer for September and he seemed much happier then. Julie too, has been wanting to come down to our house for ages and she's very excited, so this could be a good opportunity for her as well.
I learned about the decision only on Wednesday morning, giving most of us assistants about four days time to adjust to things. Moving all-of-a-sudden like this is going to be stressful, both for assistants and especially for our core members. We get used to our familiar spaces and routines. Routines create a sense of place for our community. So, basically, Kim and Leighanne have just had their whole world turned upside down. I think that both of them are just trying to cope right now, especially Leighanne. For Elias and Noel and Rachel (assistants at Te Waka) I would imagine that they'll have to do a bit of grieving. In Rachel's case, she'll just be arriving from her time off in the Philippines on Saturday, touching down only to discover that her house has been dissolved. What a nightmare. I should say that, overall, I really believe that this will be good. It will just feel very difficult as well. For me personally, what makes matters worse is that, beginning on September 10th (next week) I will become the acting house leader for Arahata, filling Akiko's position until she returns from a retreat/ community exploration/ small vacation in Japan on October 16th. This is great for her, as she hasn't been home in about three years, but should prove to be an interesting challenge for me.
So, here's how Arahata breaks down for the future: Sunday, Julie, Julia and Rachel all move in and we get bedrooms sorted out. On the 10th, Akiko leaves for her time in Japan and I become the acting house leader. Some point after Akiko gets back on October the 16th, we're planning on welcoming Tamzin as a new core member. It's just *bang *bang *bang for the next two months or so. I'm stressing out. I'm stressing out all over the place. This weekend was very valuable to me, as I just needed the time away to process everything.
Now, as most of you already know, I've been considering extending my visa for another year. I'm feeling as though I'm in a place now where I'm finally getting stretched. I remember being coached by Trace Haythorn through times like this during college. The stretching did me good. It builds character and allows for the chance to reconsider one's vocation in life. Again, this is all good, just very difficult. So, my logic runs thus: I came to study Ethics and get my hands dirty in terms of practice and I'm finally doing that now, I've got a few years to spare while I consider next steps in my life, I need a place of financial stability and I've sort of got that now (lucky for me during a recession), and, the older I become, my philosophical thinking can only become better for the experiences. These are all the reasons I have to stay and maybe even to apply for a resident visa.
The flip side of all that, however is one, huge if: IF I am not called to be here, specifically, in this community, then there is no way that any of the previously described logic applies. There are points in ministry and life where it's easy to get sucked into the problems of other people or organizations. If I stay in New Zealand with L'Arche, I want it to be because I feel called to do so, not simply because I'd feel guilty for leaving the organization the way it is. I guess, at this stage in my life, I'm simply looking for a place to be; to have and make Being. To really reason this out, will require me to let go of all my entitlement and ownership. It doesn't matter how much I think I might be able to help. Getting stuck in a dead-end position because of guilt or entitlement simply wouldn't be good for me and it certainly wouldn't be good for L'Arche. I get the impression that I've been in spaces like this before, where things come down to a matter of courage; either the courage to get over my own desires and commit to L'Arche here, or the courage to leave things here and trust that all will go well, even in my absence. One or the other, but ether way, it's really really difficult.
And, you never know, things may drastically improve during the next year and all of this questioning and angst may seem totally unnecessary. To avoid complications, I've decided to put off any discernment about my years ahead until Akiko returns. Until that date, I'm going to focus on just being here with our core members and doing my job to the best of my abilities. I think that I'll be OK. L'Arche is a place where it's OK for people to be who they are, even if who they are is "undesirable." Whatever happens, I need to be true to that spirit of vulnerability.
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