House and Home

Alright, so last Wednesday I began my duties as acting house leader for Arahata. The move of one core member, Peter, and three assistants, Rachel, Elias, and Noel, out of Te Waka is more-or-less complete. Peter has been moved to Rangimarie house along with Elias and Noel and Julie (from Rangimarie) has come down to live with us along with Rachel who's moved from Te Waka. Additionally, a new assistant will be with us for a period of one month. She's from the organization "Challenge 2000" and her name is Julia. It's a full house. I feel really surprised that Arahata can actually sleep seven to eight people, but hey, it works. Everybody has ample space and only two people have to share a bedroom.

There are moments when the house feels very homey to me, like during dinner. Everyone is around the table and it feels like I've finally found a full and vibrant place to live in. We have the same number of core members and assistants as before Te Waka was released, but we're all consolidated into two houses now, so everything feels more closely knit. Rangimarie is only a 10-minute walk and I can see Peter every day of the week now, if I wish. It still seems like a shame to have to release one whole house, but overall this is going pretty well. I think that the community should have made this move sooner than we did.

But, these new arrangements have their downsides as well. Tensions run higher with new people in the house and routines get upset. I don't think I could have picked a much worse time to become house leader. In addition to the added responsibility of tracking things like the house finances, I now also have to start rebuilding relationships with core members and assistants. In some cases, like with Julie and Julia, this must be done from scratch, as they're completely new to me. Assisting Julie is going to be especially challenging, but I have to keep in mind that all of this change is at least as difficult for her as it is for me and everyone else in the house. I've dedicated pretty much the past week to just getting to know Julie and Julia better and figuring out how to properly assist Julie. It's the weekend now, so things are pretty low-key, but tonight's our house meeting and tomorrow is Monday again.

As a house leader, things are looking...er...OK for me, actually (at the moment anyway). I've got things under alot more control than I thought I would. When Akiko was here, she stressed basically one thing: "making a nice house." I'm learning alot to delegate tasks to people who are either more called or more qualified than I am, which takes alot of stress off me and helps the house to feel more integrated. Everyone should have a place and a calling and, basically, it's the house leader's job to empower that idea, but it's not as hard as I thought it was. It's not so hard because, in order for a house to be a house, everyone has to have their own sense of ownership anyway. Without that, there's no house, only the enacted will of a few people, represented as a house. They say that love makes a house a home, but I have a much more technical understanding of that statement now than I ever did before.

I'm also learning to separate my own feelings from other people's feelings. If someone's upset, then there's no reason that I have to be. On the other hand, I'm not at liberty to ignore that person either. I find that, in university, I had two sorts of mental experiences: thoughts and feelings, but that I had them separately. In L'Arche, I'm gaining a whole new level of meta-cognitive awareness. I have thoughts about my feelings and feelings about my thoughts and I have these experiences quite regularly.

I think about Ethics as the day goes on and my thoughts cause me to have feelings because the once purely abstract statements and stances I hold now have actual and positive connections to my community. For instance: the intellectually disabled shouldn't be forced to work for pennies on the dollar at menial "sweat shop" jobs, but... government regulations against such things also rob alot of disabled people of their chance to feel productive and socially involved. If an employer has to pay a legally established threshold, then the disabled will either have to work very hard at "normal" jobs, or they have no work at all. Here in NZ, we can't set up a traditional L'Arche workshop precisely because of such legal "protections." It's my messy, complicated feeling about a once-clean and upright thought.

At the same time and on the other hand, I feel frustrated and angry sometimes, either about something or at someone. In community, I can't let these emotions run away by themselves because the consequences could be very drastic. In order to keep the community together we need to stay calm and act: together, decisively, committed, and intelligently. So, when I have a feeling, there's a mental check in that happens: Why do I feel this way, exactly? The answer to this question give me some very well-connected and stable thoughts about all my messy feelings. Jean Vanier says that L'Arche is built on pain, which is true, but much of that is simply the pain of self-awareness. Living in community definitely holds a mirror up to oneself.

One last thing before I head off: Last Thursday was Jean Vanier's birthday. He's now a man of 81 years. This dude's vision has come a long way since the 60s, undergoing a whole lot of change and mutation. I, for one, signed his birthday card from our community with thanks and gladness. I'm very proud to be a part of this organization and I hope that it's made the world better place, even if I can't stay here forever.

A Place to Be

First off, big news: L'Arche Kapiti has determined, because of financial stresses, to close one of our houses. Effective tomorrow (the beginning of the weekend), Te Waka or "33" will no longer be in operation under L'Arche. This means several things. Namely, that Peter will have to move out of his home and into Rangimarie. Now, Rangimarie is full, which means that Julie will be moving out of Rangimarie and into Arahata (my house) in order to make space.

This is probably a good move for both Peter and Julie, especially Peter. It's no secret that Peter has been feeling lonely and angry living with no other core members in a big house with three assistants. His frustration has been bubbling over into outbursts more and more. Every Monday, Peter comes to lunch at our house because it's only a short walk to here from his morning CPS session and he goes right back for Kapa Haka in the afternoon. Last Monday, Peter arrived at our house later than usual, which worried me. He had gone off on his own and, when he finally did arrive (mad as hell and screaming at Noeline), he had somehow injured his right hand, which was covered in blood (it had something to do with a "stick" or a "tree"). I cleaned him up, but I was pretty shaken by the experience. After learning about the move on Wednesday, I think that he fells much better and probably alot more secure. Wednesday night was our Open Night of Prayer for September and he seemed much happier then. Julie too, has been wanting to come down to our house for ages and she's very excited, so this could be a good opportunity for her as well.

I learned about the decision only on Wednesday morning, giving most of us assistants about four days time to adjust to things. Moving all-of-a-sudden like this is going to be stressful, both for assistants and especially for our core members. We get used to our familiar spaces and routines. Routines create a sense of place for our community. So, basically, Kim and Leighanne have just had their whole world turned upside down. I think that both of them are just trying to cope right now, especially Leighanne. For Elias and Noel and Rachel (assistants at Te Waka) I would imagine that they'll have to do a bit of grieving. In Rachel's case, she'll just be arriving from her time off in the Philippines on Saturday, touching down only to discover that her house has been dissolved. What a nightmare. I should say that, overall, I really believe that this will be good. It will just feel very difficult as well. For me personally, what makes matters worse is that, beginning on September 10th (next week) I will become the acting house leader for Arahata, filling Akiko's position until she returns from a retreat/ community exploration/ small vacation in Japan on October 16th. This is great for her, as she hasn't been home in about three years, but should prove to be an interesting challenge for me.

So, here's how Arahata breaks down for the future: Sunday, Julie, Julia and Rachel all move in and we get bedrooms sorted out. On the 10th, Akiko leaves for her time in Japan and I become the acting house leader. Some point after Akiko gets back on October the 16th, we're planning on welcoming Tamzin as a new core member. It's just *bang *bang *bang for the next two months or so. I'm stressing out. I'm stressing out all over the place. This weekend was very valuable to me, as I just needed the time away to process everything.

Now, as most of you already know, I've been considering extending my visa for another year. I'm feeling as though I'm in a place now where I'm finally getting stretched. I remember being coached by Trace Haythorn through times like this during college. The stretching did me good. It builds character and allows for the chance to reconsider one's vocation in life. Again, this is all good, just very difficult. So, my logic runs thus: I came to study Ethics and get my hands dirty in terms of practice and I'm finally doing that now, I've got a few years to spare while I consider next steps in my life, I need a place of financial stability and I've sort of got that now (lucky for me during a recession), and, the older I become, my philosophical thinking can only become better for the experiences. These are all the reasons I have to stay and maybe even to apply for a resident visa.

The flip side of all that, however is one, huge if: IF I am not called to be here, specifically, in this community, then there is no way that any of the previously described logic applies. There are points in ministry and life where it's easy to get sucked into the problems of other people or organizations. If I stay in New Zealand with L'Arche, I want it to be because I feel called to do so, not simply because I'd feel guilty for leaving the organization the way it is. I guess, at this stage in my life, I'm simply looking for a place to be; to have and make Being. To really reason this out, will require me to let go of all my entitlement and ownership. It doesn't matter how much I think I might be able to help. Getting stuck in a dead-end position because of guilt or entitlement simply wouldn't be good for me and it certainly wouldn't be good for L'Arche. I get the impression that I've been in spaces like this before, where things come down to a matter of courage; either the courage to get over my own desires and commit to L'Arche here, or the courage to leave things here and trust that all will go well, even in my absence. One or the other, but ether way, it's really really difficult.

And, you never know, things may drastically improve during the next year and all of this questioning and angst may seem totally unnecessary. To avoid complications, I've decided to put off any discernment about my years ahead until Akiko returns. Until that date, I'm going to focus on just being here with our core members and doing my job to the best of my abilities. I think that I'll be OK. L'Arche is a place where it's OK for people to be who they are, even if who they are is "undesirable." Whatever happens, I need to be true to that spirit of vulnerability.